2 posts tagged “death”

My dad had a stroke on Tuesday and they're taking him off life support now. 

It feels like my heart fell out.

Re: my brother, well, it went ok.  He's a cool kid, looks like a clone of my brother Robert.  He's very nice, sort of socially awkward and he talks a bit slow, lol.  But I like him.  I think much of my anxiety is because, as a child, I was always told to protect him.  He had a bad heart and it would stop if he got overemotoional.  My parents were useless so I always had him with me, was always looking out for him.  My earliest memory of him (that I can recall) is him falling out of my parents' bed and landing on the concrete floor.  I was the only one there with him (at age 5 or 6) and had to deal with the situation myself.  I still count that as one of the top 5 scariest moments in my life.

It was just so...strange to see him standing there after so long.  I couldn't share any stories of his childhood because I knew him for such a short time, and what memories I do have are just like the above--frightening.  He wants to see if he belongs here, but he's best off staying in Nebraska. 

My grandfather is also dying.  He could be dead right now, actually, and no one has thought to call me.  It feels...odd how detached I am from the situation.  My grandfather was a mean (verbally) alcoholic who made himself sick.  His refusal to give up cigarettes and alcohol is what put him in this position.  And I can't find it in me to feel pity.  It's like hearing, off-hand, that a stranger is dying.  You know it's sad, but it is irrelevant to you.  Am I a horrible person?

Christmas was quiet for us.  We opened presents at midnight because Ryan couldn't wait and we didn't really have that many.  I bought him a shirt from Threadless.com and would have given him other things, but we had a money emergency directly after and we couldn't really fund Christmas.  He bought me a wonderful book on T-shirt alteration, a bracelet of Mahjong tiles (!!!), a carved wood penguin, and this lovely scarf/hat ensemble.  He bought all of it before the big money surprise, so he obviously was quicker on the draw than I, lol.  That's ok, though.  We're picking a day next month to be our do-over Christmas and we're going to give more gifts.  Well, I'm going to give him some and he'll give me birthday gifts. 

For those who need reminding:  I turn 23 on the 17th.  Pray for me, I feel older than I am.