9 posts tagged “family”

My dad had a stroke on Tuesday and they're taking him off life support now. 

It feels like my heart fell out.

How do you feel about your birthday?  Do you look forward to it and remind all your friends, or do you dread it and try to keep it a secret?

This is really ironic because in 15 minutes, I will be 23 years old.

I don't know how I feel about my birthday.  I think on a general level, I dread it.  It's never really been a time of celebration for me.  Things tend to go wrong in my family around birthdays and holidays. 

But now I have a wonderful guy who has spent the last few days making me smile more than I have in years.  I think that Ryan has got to be the best (early) birthday present I could ever hope for.  I don't want anything else for my birthday but him for the rest of my life.

God I'm so disgustingly cute in love... >.>

I just told my mother she is never going to hear or see from me again.  And I meant it.  This is not one of those boohoo I hate you you suck! sort of things.  I never want to see this woman again.  She makes me ill. 

So I'm sending her $300 I 'owe' her and UPSing her the cell phone I've been using.  Actually, I might not even send her the money.  We can just chalk it up to what she owes me for a lifetime of misery. 

Anyone else would probably feel heartbroken about this, but I fucking feel alive.  One of my resolutions this year was to stand up for myself and break off unhealthy relationships, and this is probably the biggest unhealthy relationship I've ever been in. 

I could fly.

Re: my brother, well, it went ok.  He's a cool kid, looks like a clone of my brother Robert.  He's very nice, sort of socially awkward and he talks a bit slow, lol.  But I like him.  I think much of my anxiety is because, as a child, I was always told to protect him.  He had a bad heart and it would stop if he got overemotoional.  My parents were useless so I always had him with me, was always looking out for him.  My earliest memory of him (that I can recall) is him falling out of my parents' bed and landing on the concrete floor.  I was the only one there with him (at age 5 or 6) and had to deal with the situation myself.  I still count that as one of the top 5 scariest moments in my life.

It was just so...strange to see him standing there after so long.  I couldn't share any stories of his childhood because I knew him for such a short time, and what memories I do have are just like the above--frightening.  He wants to see if he belongs here, but he's best off staying in Nebraska. 

My grandfather is also dying.  He could be dead right now, actually, and no one has thought to call me.  It feels...odd how detached I am from the situation.  My grandfather was a mean (verbally) alcoholic who made himself sick.  His refusal to give up cigarettes and alcohol is what put him in this position.  And I can't find it in me to feel pity.  It's like hearing, off-hand, that a stranger is dying.  You know it's sad, but it is irrelevant to you.  Am I a horrible person?

Christmas was quiet for us.  We opened presents at midnight because Ryan couldn't wait and we didn't really have that many.  I bought him a shirt from Threadless.com and would have given him other things, but we had a money emergency directly after and we couldn't really fund Christmas.  He bought me a wonderful book on T-shirt alteration, a bracelet of Mahjong tiles (!!!), a carved wood penguin, and this lovely scarf/hat ensemble.  He bought all of it before the big money surprise, so he obviously was quicker on the draw than I, lol.  That's ok, though.  We're picking a day next month to be our do-over Christmas and we're going to give more gifts.  Well, I'm going to give him some and he'll give me birthday gifts. 

For those who need reminding:  I turn 23 on the 17th.  Pray for me, I feel older than I am.

And not in a good way. 

I am 22 now and the oldest of five children:  Robert (20), Darla (18), Eric (16), and Reece (7).  When we were all much younger...about, wow, fifteen years ago, child services in CA put all of us into one of those large-scale children's homes.  It was completely justified, too.  My parents were into every drug under the sun, we had no money, no food, and were living on the streets because of this.  Darla and Eric were adopted into nice families and I haven't seen them since I was about nine.  I thought I'd never see either of them again and I'd come to terms with this.

I've recently spoken to Eric, however.  He's sixteen, a good kid, and he's coming out to visit for Christmas.  I'm nervous because it doesn't really feel like he's my brother anymore.  I mean, it's been forever and a day.  I feel awful, though, because he calls me big sis and he's so excited to meet his family--I haven't had the heart to tell him how awful everyone really is.  The last time I saw him, he was a baby.  He was always really ill (heart condition) and since my parents were useless, I had to always take care of him.  It's hard to separate my only memories of him from this boy coming out here with blind good intentions to see us.  I hope that at the worst it makes him appreciate what he already has: a good family and loving adopted mother. 

Darla...oh fuck, when we were younger, I couldn't stand her.  I was such a selfish child (and still am) and all I saw her as was competition for my dad's attention, which was already at a premium.  I haven't thought much of her.  I can't even remember what she was like.  I think I remember her being flighty and naive, but she was four years younger than me, so that could be the reason.  My only solid memory I have of her is this one time where she fell getting into the car and smashed out all her front teeth on the doorjamb.  She had to get silver caps on her teeth, so when she would smile, it would shine all metally in the light.  When I think of Darla, I think of metal teeth.  Which is why you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out that this is my little sister. 

She's 5'8, blonde, thin, pretty.  We have the same eyes, jaw, mouth.  Even the mismatched shape of our eyebrows is the same.  And yet she looks nothing like me, nothing like the little girl I half remember.  I don't know why, but I can't help feeling so...ugly when I look at her photos.  I managed to shove my body image woes somewhere deep inside of me, but I think I just sprung a leak or something.  God how pathetic am I?  I hate my mother for asking me to get these photos for her.  I know she's going to look at them and just sigh with how lovely Darla is.  And I know how I look.  My skin is bad, my hair is falling out.  I'm so sick and in pain these days that I can't move.  I've already really been hating my body because of that, and now this...  My little sister is how I've always wanted to look inside my own head.  And I can't even hate her for it.  Actually, I really want to photograph her--because if you can't be a model, you become a photographer. 

Oh my god I am so stupid and depressed.

I miss my friends.

Before I get on with this post, I just wanted to say that I've posted a bunch of my back photography in my dA gallery, and would everyone go take a look? I'm in need of constructive criticism, but even a simple "that's nice, good job!" is appreciated: afterthestars.deviantart.com

Well, Ryan has convinced me to at least try to do this whole school thing before we just set off to CA. Sure, I'll be a bunch in debt once I'm done, but people manage to get in and out of debt all the time. As long as I'm hard-working and frugal, I can do this bitch.

So, as of right now, the plan is to move to Portland. I'm looking at a couple apartments, and am talking with someone who wants to rent a room in a nice townhouse close to my school. I would love to be close enough to walk (seeing as how my first class is OMG-it's-early in the morning. But, well, I can learn the early-morning bus system. And it is in one of the good parts of town so the bus shouldn't be too bad.

Also, I'm going to soon be in the market for a digital camera. Like, a nice one, if I can swing it. Katy's agreed to help me find a used one for not-so-much if I can come up with monies. I'm thinking about holding a fund-raising event of some sort. Like, forcing Ryan to bake cakes, pies, and cookies and then sell them to peoples. I doubt I'll get much money.

Get a job, you say? Why, brilliant! Because I shall get a job--I'm looking for one in the Portland area as we speak (well, sort of--it's loading in another tab). But I'll need all the monetary help I can get, lemme tell you what. I can afford to go to UP, but just barely. I need all the cash I can get. My parents, it seems, can be coerced into helping if it's dire enough. Maybe I can get them to flip the bill for the camera.

So, I'ma get my hair cut soon. It's not for vanity's sake, it seriously needs it. The hotter it gets, the more miserable I am with longer hair. And the more miserable I am, the more I take it out on people around me. So, really, it's the kindest thing I could do for all concerned.

Also, I've been thinking a lot on what I'm going to do for my thesis, and...I think I might do it on fanfiction, specifically the popularity and social aspects of slash-fic. Uhm. Believe me, this started out as a joke while I was talking to a friend from Copenhagen, but the more we talked about it, the more we actually realised that this could work. As for the validity of it, I am an English major, and fanfic is rapidly turning into one of the most popular genres on the internet. It's an interesting phenomena, and, while I might not be the first to do it, I'll certainly be one of few.

God, I just really would rather stay home with my boyfriend.

School's almost out. Am registered for my new classes at UofP, including a course on Chaucer that I'm SO FUCKING EXCITED about. Also am reviving my instruction in French *shudders* Oh God...I was never really any good at it the first time around.

Also am moving back home over Sunday and Monday. Tough choice, but I really need to save me some monies before Uni. You know...so I can eat. And things like that.

Did I also mention that I really don't wanna go to work? Because I don't :(

Which cartoon character best represents you? 
Submitted by Know It All.

Piglet, from Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. Seriously.

PSA for mah AIM buddies (you know who youse are): I don't think I'll be on at all today. I'm going to visit ma famille for the day, and they've got icky dialup. Sigh. They suck.

In other news, go listen to Eighty Eight's music. Because I think they really rock in a good way. Especially "Party Girl" And, you can DL the songs <3

We need awesome bands like them on this side of the Atlantic.